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  • Writer's pictureLaura

Grief Diaries - Twilight of Memory

Updated: Aug 26, 2020

Today is hard - I need to share a memory of Rosie and there are just so many that I wasn't sure which one to chose to write about. A special day that comes to mind was my 30th birthday this past July. Charlie, Rosie and I took the drive out to Montauk for the day. We packed up some sand toys, a set of extra clothes, and some snacks/lunch and we headed to Hither Hills beach. The day was just absolutely perfect - we were all so happy to be together and enjoy a day at the beach. I remember Rosie sitting in her little butterfly beach chair, eating a turkey sandwich bigger than her face as if she was a 12 year old. She would splash around by the water - never getting too close to the waves without clenching on to me or Charlie (this was before her "no like Ocean" phase that began a few months later). She would contently walk down the beach with us for what seemed like miles and she really loved building sand castles with Charlie (especially filling up buckets with water for her to dump on the dry sand).

It was a day where we really just had so much fun with her and I couldn't think of a better way to spend my birthday. When we were done at the beach - Rosie and I took showers and got dressed in the ladies locker room (a logistical nightmare with a nearly 2 year old). Rose was an angel and actually charmed over 3 high school girls who couldn't get enough of her. We capped off the day at the beach with ice cream pops together!

I just remember feeling so incredibly lucky to have had such a perfect day with my perfect family and at that time, never for a minute thought that anything could ever change that (or even worse, take it away).

The hard part with memories now is that as sad as it is sometimes to think about the happy moments and times with Rosie that will be no longer - it's even harder for me to think about all the memories that will continue to be made without her now. Yes, there's the birthdays, the holidays, the vacations - that will all have a bittersweet tone forever. But there's also first days of school, teaching a child to ride a bike, going to the movies, a mundane trip to the grocery store, or another Montauk beach day - that I'll always be thinking about what she would've been like or just that she should be there.

I fear that watching a future child have any moment beyond 2 years, 3 months and 5 days will be hard for me because it's a moment that I didn't get to experience with Rose. I'm so thankful for the time that we had with Rosie and the treasure trove of memories we built up, but I just feel so robbed of all the time and memories that should've been in our future and trying desperately to accept a way that we will ever be as happy and carefree as my birthday on the beach.

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