Because Rosie’s passing was so sudden and unexpected – I often wonder “how” or “why” did this happen. It just makes absolutely no sense that a perfectly healthy and vibrant 2 year old girl would go to sleep in her crib and just not wake up in the morning. I had lots of fears and anxieties of thigs that could possibly go wrong or ways that I needed to shield Rose from something bad happening - but I never, ever envisioned this. I truly didn’t even know it was a possibility – once a baby gets out of the SIDS danger period, I thought sleeping in a crib was one of the safest places for your child to be. Replaying the day/night before Rosie passed away in my head 1,000 times over – there were no signs, no indication that anything was even remotely wrong with her. So I do find myself often wondering: “How on Earth did this happen?” or “Why were there no signs?” While I’m pretty confident that we won’t get a more definitive answer – other than what our pediatrician told us a few days after the funeral (“Rosie’s heart just stopped”) – I don’t know if I will ever fully stop wondering how this happened to our sweet girl.
The other thing I often wonder is “Did I miss something?” As her mother – I felt like I should’ve been able to protect her from something like this happening. I question if I missed something in her behavior, or should I have taken her temperature that night, should I have brought her into bed with me and Charlie that night, or stayed with her just a little while longer when putting her back to sleep. I question myself constantly on if I could’ve done anything differently that would have prevented this from happening. Deep down – I know that I couldn’t have. I know that I always was hyper-sensitive to anything that was wrong with Rosie and I would have picked up on something if there was anything to pick up on. I know that what happened to Rosie couldn’t have been detected by a doctor or by me/Charlie. I know that whatever it was – happened fast and sudden and was completely painless for her. I know that there was zero indication of suffering or struggle. And I do find some peace in these things – but it doesn’t stop my mind from going to that dark place or wondering how or what I could’ve done differently or why did this happen to Rosie.
I know that these thoughts don’t lead to anywhere good and that they aren’t healthy paths to allow myself to go down. But sometimes I feel as if I don’t have control over these worries or that if I just replay the night in my mind one more time – something will click and make sense. I pray for the strength to release these thoughts and anxieties, to hold onto the truths that I know, to trust those that reassure me there is nothing I could’ve done differently, and to try and focus on Rosie’s beautiful life instead of her death.