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  • Writer's pictureLaura

Grief Diaries - Day Dreams

Updated: Aug 26, 2020

I honestly haven't had many dreams about Rosie since she's passed away - I wish I had them every night. The one dream I had was just a few days after she passed away and me, Charlie and Rose were in an apartment together (it wasn't our normal home). We were all just hanging out and Rose was playing in the background - kind of entertaining herself with toys like she often did. Then in my dream, she left the room and was out of my sight for a second. I realized that she was gone and I started yelling for her. She answered me and said "I'm here Mommy." When she came back into the room - I bolted the door shut so that she couldn't get out again.

Charlie has had a few dreams - my favorite one was just in our home and he said that every where I was, Rose was with me. Following me around with my every move. I like to envision her doing that - always with me every second of my day.

The interesting thing with our dreams is that we always seem to know that she had previously passed away. Like we're confused in our dreams how she is with us and asking each in other in our dream - "how is Rosie here?"

Other than dreams in our sleep - I'm always thinking about her during the day, but not fantasizing or day dreaming - more just reliving memories in my mind or hearing her voice in my head. We fortunately have so many pictures and videos of Rosie so it helps to bring me back to those moments easily. Mostly my thoughts are happy and pleasant memories, but every so often - the horrible memory of that morning comes to mind. It's the only span of time with Rosie that I wish I never had to relive but it's seared into my mind and creeps up on me. In the beginning, it would happen all the time - almost non-stop. As time has passed - it's not as frequent, but still just as sharp and traumatizing.

I so badly wish that I could have an image - just for a moment of where she is now. Who she's with and what she's doing. I wish I could just see how happy she is and understand how she's still connected with us here. I know that's all part of faith - and I trust that she's in heaven and way happier than she ever could be here, but I still long to just get a glimpse of her. I also often wonder what she will look like in heaven when I see he again - will she be the 2 year old I know her as or a beautifully grown up woman? I pray for the 2 year old and for the ability to watch her grow once we're reunited.

I can't believe her presence in my life is only though dreams and memories now. It shouldn't be like this at all. I pray for many more moments with my Rosie girl - even if only in my dreams. They're the best and all I can hope for now.

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