My heart is 2 things right now and they are completely contradictory. I’m obviously heart broken – waking up each morning to my first thought being that Rosie is gone is absolutely devastating. I miss her beyond words and I would do anything to have her back here. When Rosie left this world – she took a huge piece of my heart with her and I don’t think my heart will ever fully repair until I’m reunited with her one day. The pain, the sadness, the anger of losing a child is a type of heart break that no one should ever have to experience. I also think because Rosie’s passing was so sudden and unexpected – I wasn’t able to prepare my mind or my heart for the loss, which made it that much more piercing.
At the same time as I’m experiencing this incredible heartbreak – my heart is also exploding with love. This experience has brought to light for me the extreme and ever-present love that I had for Rosie and that I have for Charlie. Someone told me early on in my journey that grief is “love with nowhere to go.” I recognize that the intense feelings of grief are a direct correlation to how much love I have for Rosie and will always have for her. I’m so grateful to her for showing me what my heart was capable of – a love and a bond that can only exist between a mother and a child.
I’m also reminded daily of how much love I have for Charlie – my rock and my partner through all the good and the bad. And how much love and appreciation I have for all of my family and friends that are helping me to pick up the pieces and get through each day. It’s pretty incredible that among all of the heartbreak and pain – there is still room for love. That the two can co-exist in my one heart.
What I can say for sure is that my heart will never again take anything or anyone for granted. Every moment, every hug, every kiss, every smile is precious and you never know when it will be the last. My heart will never forget that for as long as I live. And because my heart is the one place that no one can take Rosie from me – she is with me always – guiding me through life and patching up the hole that her physical loss left behind.