Updated: Aug 26
While I do feel connected to Rose since she has passed away - I often struggle with that connection because I'm so yearning for something more tangible/physical. There are moments when I feel her with me and in those moments I'm caught between appreciating those little signs from her and at the same time getting sad that they are the only way I'll be able to connect with her in this life.
Journaling is definitely a helpful way for me to feel connected - because I feel like I can just talk to her through my words and I feel like the answers I receive to the questions I'm writing or the next thought that pops into my head is from her or from God.
At the cemetery - we have received a few signs from her. A few weeks ago - Charlie prayed for "something" - something to show us she was OK and with us. That day at the cemetery right next to her name sign - was a single raccoon handprint. We often read the "Kissing Hand" book - it was one of her favorites. It's about a child raccoon that's scared to leave his Mommy so she gives him a kiss on his hand to take with him when he's not with her. She promises that the kiss will stick and remind him of her love. At the end of the book, the child raccoon gives his Mom her very own kissing hand from him. To us this was such a clear way for Rosie to tell us that she's still with us and her love is here every day.
Last week, also at the cemetary - I was sitting and talking to her and I asked her to "be with me." It was a cold, cloudy, windy day - but right at the moment, the sun broke through and shined down so brightly and warmly right on me. It was pretty incredible and I felt like it was sent from Rose.
More importantly than these little signs - we both feel closer to Rosie when we're praying or at mass. A priest told us shortly after this happened: "The closer you are to God, the closer you are to Rose" - and we've definitely found that to be true. Our faith has been the pillar of our lives, especially over these last 2+ months. Through prayer, reading the Bible, attending mass, talking with priests, and even listening to Christian music - I feel closer to her and more connected.
My life on Earth now seems to just be this road to Rosie and to God - because truthfully it's the only glimmer of hope I've been able to find in all of this. I know that those moments of peace, strength, and even a little joy are coming from my sweet angel and the Lord answering my prayers. I hope that my connection now only continues to deepen with each day, until she's running into my arms again.