Grief Diaries - Transformation
Updated: Aug 26, 2020
It's only been 2 and a half months since Rosie passed away - although it feels like she's been gone forever. When it first happened, people told us that with time things would get a little better. In some ways that has been true - the trauma of the day isn't as fresh or as frequent and the shock has phased a bit. But for me, in a lot of ways - the more time that goes by, the harder it gets. The reality of her being gone has sunk in and the fact that we need to get up each morning and try to continue to live our lives without her here is so painful to do. Also, with each day that passes by - it's a longer period of time that I haven't held her, or kissed her, or heard her laugh or her voice. I just feel farther away from her which is such a hard thing to accept. Especially when all I really want is to have her right here with me.
I think for me, we've all been so focused on Rosie's passing and coping without her here - but there's also a part of me that died on December 20th as well. And while physically, I'm obviously still here - I fear that I will never be able to be as genuinely happy as I was before. Every emotion I'm feeling now is combined with grief and pain, making everything feel just a little different. I have more fear now - that something horrible and unexpected is going to take another one of my future children or Charlie from me. I've typically been a pretty confident person my whole life - but now I'm more unsure and indecisive - questioning decisions that I've made and wondering if an outcome would be different (even though deep down I know that it wouldn't have). And as to be expected - I just get hit with these waves of uncontrollable sadness or anger or impatience.
If I'm trying to think positively about ways this has changed me - I am more appreciative of the people around me than I ever have been before. I firsthand understand the true fragility of life and how quickly someone can be taken from you, so I love harder and try to take time everyday to recognize how special my family and friends are. Like I've said, my faith and my relationship with God has gotten much stronger and has become a central part of my every day. And my whole perspective is just entirely different. Things I would normally get angry or stressed about - just don't seem to matter as much in the grand scheme. When life and time is so precious - I try and chose love and happiness (to the best of my ability) to be at the forefront. Because truly, nothing else matters and it's all completely out of our control, no matter how hard we try to control it.
The biggest thing that's changed for me is trying to figure out ways that I can still be a mother to Rose and keep her a central part of our lives and our families life - without her physically being here with us. It is my mission to spread her love and her joy to others and to never, ever let people forget just how special she is.