Grief Diaries - Treasured
Updated: Aug 26, 2020
Today is about writing about my treasured belongings that remind me of Rosie. The truth is – almost EVERYTHING does! Every article of clothing has a memory (or 20) associated with it, every room in our home has a “favorite spot”, every toy or stuffed animal has a story or a time when she was infatuated with it, every book – brings with it a slew of bedtime moments snuggling up with her.
There are a few things that are really “treasured” and stand out among the rest – things I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see in a different light…
(1) Rosie’s curl – Rosie had the most beautiful curls. They were so characteristic of her and whether her hair was wild and crazy after a nap or nicely done at the start of a day – her curls were something that made her who she was. I know this may sound strange, but before we buried Rosie – I asked the funeral home to cut me off a perfect curl which they obviously did for me. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what to do with it, but it makes me happy that I have it and reminds me of her twirling her hair in her fingers before she’d fall asleep at night, or telling me to “be gentle” when I would brush her hair in the morning. Her curls defined her – equally beautiful and silly!
(2) Her Christmas blanket – Rosie went through phases of what she wanted in her crib with her. At one point – she wanted all of her stuffed animals in there with her – all lined up along the edges of the crib. But recently – she didn’t want anything except maybe this fleece Christmas blanket that she had since her very first Christmas. She slept with it often, but for some reason that night she didn’t – so when the detectives came and took everything from her crib for investigation – they didn’t take her blanket. It reminds me of cuddling up with her and her asking me to cover her or to “get cozy Mommy.” Bedtime with Rosie or cuddles in bed early in the morning were 2 of my favorite times with her and her blanket reminds me of them. Since Rosie passed away – I have slept with it every night.
(3) Her pink purse – Rosie had this almost every time she left the house. She LOVED it and while a lot of her toys phased in and out – her purse remained a steady favorite. It reminds me of her being a diva and also a hoarder – she would stuff all her snacks and other little toys/characters into her purse until it was about to explode. The handle is actually broken from her overuse.
(4) Special clothing items – there are certain things that just remind me so much of her with tons of memories attached. The #1 item was her turtle PJ’s. They were her favorites and she wore them all the time. “Tur-tle” was actually one of her first words. I had Christmas ornaments and key chains made out of her turtle PJ pants so that we could always have them with us. Some of the other special items – we are having made into a quilt that I can always have to look at and to wrap myself in.
Other than these “treasured” items – there are just things that I haven’t been able to bring myself to change. Her room is still set up exactly how it was since she passed away – with the Christmas dress she told us she wanted to wear to school the next day on her changing table and the sippy cup she drank out of the night before on her bookshelf. I often like to just come and sit in here to “be with her.” I feel closer to her in her room.
Her booster seat is still strapped on a chair at our kitchen table and her shoes are still on the ledge in the foyer. Her sippy cups are on the drying rack on the kitchen counter, her clothes are still in her drawers, her potty and stool are still in the bathroom, and her playroom still has all of her toys in it. I’m sure one day I’ll have the strength to go through it and put some things away, but I’m not there yet. It still brings me comfort to see her things all over the house and feel like she’s still here. I will treasure these items and the memories associated with them forever.