Instead of asking “Why” did this happen to me, today I’m challenged to ask myself: “What brings healing into my life?” What can I do that’s good for me? Can it even bring some joy with it?
It’s hard to not wonder “why” – why did this horrible thing happen? Why to me and Charlie? Why take our beautiful, sweet girl? None of it makes any sense and I’m sure I’ll be asking “Why” until the day I die. But I also recognize how unhealthy it can be to get caught up in that question. A question that has no answer or no light in it. I know that I need to try to resist the urge to let my brain wander there – but it’s definitely difficult to control.
The obvious things that bring me healing are my faith/prayer, my relationships (specifically Charlie/family/close friends), and our therapy/support groups. They all help to bring some peace and even a little joy into my life.
More recently, I’ve also found some healing in “doing things” for Rosie or deliberately spending time with her or for her throughout my day. This may include the time I spend journaling, going to the cemetery, reading a grief book that can provide some needed advice or insight, or even just spending some time looking through pictures or reflecting on a memory that brings me joy. It also could be just praying to Rosie.
Lately I’ve also been trying to find ways to continue to carry her spirit on. Putting time into the creation of a foundation, or working to set up a website, or planning a fundraising event around her birthday. All these things make me feel like I’m still mothering her in some way and doing things for her in the new capacity that I can now. It helps me to focus on the good that can come out of this tragedy instead of the heartbreak, confusion and pain. I refuse to let Rosie’s life end in tragedy – I refuse to let anyone’s memory of Rosie be her passing – it will be the life, the love, the light that she spread while she was here and that Charlie and I will continue to spread in her honor.
Just like every parent dreams for their child to have a positive impact ono this world – I know Rosie did in her short time here and can continue to do so through all the good that we are committed to making in her name. I’d love to reflect back on this foundation in 10/20/30 years from now and be so proud of the children helped, the communities brought together, the acts of kindness done, and the families supported – all by Rosie. So I’m relying on her to guide me through and continue to give me strength. And in doing things for her – I find healing and even joy.