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  • Writer's pictureLaura

Look Up Child

Rosie - since you've been gone I've been so lost and have felt so alone. I've felt sad and angry and confused and out of control - all very uncomfortable feelings for me. Combine that with this crazy quarantine we are in and it's a recipe for disaster for my mental health. Oh how I wish that we could be quarantined together - watching movies and playing together and walking outside and getting ready for your little sibling to arrive. I know it would've been hard to manage work and pregnancy and taking care of you and I'm sure I would've been overwhelmed - but my whole perspective is so different now in the wake of your loss and I'm yearning for you.

Today I know you saw me and you gave me little reminders of how you're with me. And you actually worked through more unexpected and new people today. Sr. Pauline called to check in, and then we bumped into Elyssa (our cemetery neighbor) today, Dione and Angela from our support group both reached out today to. Of course Aunt Lisa and Daddy were here too - they've been taking such good care of me, but also these "new" people that I know you sent to me. People who care about me and I care about event hough we met under the horrible circumstance of your death.

Today you reminded me that I'm not alone and that I need to be open to receiving help and love that you're giving to me through others. You also allowed me to feel gratitude today. It coexisted with my grief and my pain - but I feel grateful for those people that have been there for me. Grateful for the people that have come into my life through an experience that I never wish I had. I feel your love and your presence through these people and I'm so thankful to you and to God for watching out for me and for being with me and allowing me to recognize you in it. I love you.

I hope that you've connected with lots of people in heaven that bring you happiness - family members of me and Daddy, friends of those we love, even the other children of the parents that we've connected with. But I also pray that just like I feel connected to you and know that you're with me - that you also feel that way with me and Daddy. Know how much we miss you and love you beyond comprehension and that love transcends this physical world. It's always with you, just like you're always with us.

Help me to be patient in my suffering. To look for the opportunities to love deeper, to get closer to God, strengthen my faith, be a support for others, appreciate the kindnesses other are showing, be grateful. But also, let me find some joy. Just like my thanksgiving coexisted with my grief today (and was so intense it even brought me to tears) - please let me experience other positive emotions coexisting with the pain and not feel guilty when having them.

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