I honestly don't even know where to start - there are so many thoughts and emotions going through me right now and I'm just trying so incredibly hard to stay afloat. When my reality sets in and I have a moment to really think about all that has transpired - I literally feel like I'm suffocating. The pain is emotional, mental and physical and it is just so unbearable for me.
I love Olivia so much and I know that she will bring sunshine and light and a whole lot of love into our home - but the reality of Rosie not being here is far worse than I ever imagined before Olivia was born. Now that we've met Olivia - a beautiful baby girl - the thought of what our family and our home should be is devastating. Every time I look at Olivia - I think of Rosie. They have so many of the same features and they are in most of the same clothes and even have some of the same mannerisms already. Olivia seems to have fallen into a lot of the same patterns that Rose did in the beginning. Honestly, even the things that are unique to Olivia - are recognized and talked about as being different from Rosie.
The concept of joy and grief coexisting is definitely something I'm experiencing - but it's extremely overwhelming and exhausting to me to feel these 2 intense emotions at the same time. I'm scared that any joyful moment for the rest of my life will become bittersweet. That there will be this cloud over happy moments - preventing me from every experiencing true joy again. There will always be the reality that Rosie is missing, the wonder of what she would be like in those moments, the fear that others aren't also thinking about her, the worry that in a moments time my entire world could change again or someone/something else could be gone tomorrow without warning, and just the giant hole in my heart that was taken to heaven with Rosie.
I have a lot of worry that our life will continue on, because we have no choice for it not to - and in that happening, we will create this "new" life that Rose was never a part of. We are only 30 - we still have time to have more children, maybe eventually move into a new home. Rosie's 2 years and 3 months won't overlap with any of these new adventures to come or the family that we will potentially grow. It's so hard for me to accept that her time in this world is separate from any future times in our family. We need to find impactful and positive ways to intertwine her with everything we do in life. Continue to memorialize her and celebrate her life, make a mark on our community and the world through Rosie's foundation, encourage our children to have a relationship with Rosie and to know their big sister, talk about her often, think about her even more, and rely on her strength and her presence in our lives, our family and our home to guide us through each day and get us to the finish line where we will see her again.